5 Things I Learned at the Democratic Presidential Debate

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By Ben Harrell

On Oct. 13, our former web editor Ben Harrell attended the first Democratic Presidential Debate in Las Vegas, NV. Ben was gracious enough to share with us his thoughts on the 3-hour long debate that aired on CNN. 

5.) That Hilary Clinton Uses The Bathroom. I know, I know. Some say she’s a bloodthirsty automaton or one of the Illuminati lizard people, but Secretary Clinton is actually a human being just like the rest of us. You may have noticed (if you watched) that after the second commercial break, Anderson Cooper said “and I’m relieved to see that all of our candidates are on the stage.” He said that because Secretary Clinton’s lectern was EMPTY all the way through his intro. Why? Because we only got a three minute break during commercials, and Secretary Clinton could not avoid this inescapable truth: there is ALWAYS a line for the ladies’ room. 

4.) That the Democratic Party Likes Cranky Old White Men. Why do Democrats enjoy watching angry, aging politicians call for things to get off their lawns? Bernie Sanders wants the 1% to get off his lawn. Lincoln Chafee wants everyone who remembers his awkward answer to Anderson Cooper’s question about why he voted to repeal Glass-Steagall to get off his lawn, and Jim Webb would ask the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded him to get off his lawn, but that soldier’s not around to ask right now because, you know…Webb killed him. 

3.) That America is Tired of Hearing About Hillary’s Damn Emails. This was made evident by the prolonged standing ovation that followed what is becoming collectively known as the final nail in the coffin of Emailgate: Bernie Sanders refusing to engage with questions about Secretary Clinton’s prolonged tiff with Congress about using a private email server during her tenure as Secretary of State. The only thing that would have made that moment sweeter is if Bernie would have snatched the microphone from the podium, dropped it on the stage, and then walked away. 

2.) That Martin O’Malley Has Moms (and Some Dads) Everywhere Fanning Themselves. It’s no secret that many believe Martin O’Malley is good-looking, but Twitter was all aflutter during the debate. @JimHarper_ACN said: “Martin O’Malley looks like a model for OurTime.com,” and a Nevada state Congresswoman who became my designated heckling buddy whispered “I feel like they should play soft music whenever O’Malley talks.” 

1.) That The Rev. Jesse Jackson Will Eat Your Chex Mix. Okay, so it was a three-hour affair once I sat down in the debate hall at the Wynn until the debate was over, and I get cranky when I’m hungry. So when I offered Rev. Jackson, who was sitting in front of me, some of my delicious snack, I just figured he’d take a few pieces, thank me, and whisper some profound insight on ending racial tension in America. No. The man ate my Chex Mix. All of it. Then handed me back an empty bag full of crumbs. We are pretty much arch-nemeses now.